Cavemen from the Moon
A cheap screenplay
Seth Kallen Deitch
A couple of guys
Ogg, a caveman
Nugg, a caveman
Nabb, a caveman
Noog, a caveman
Esteban Kawadler, The Mayor
Jarrett Huddlestom, The Mayor’s aid
An Irish police officer
Special effects assistant A.K.A. MIGHTY MINGOR, a giant monster
A Moon clown
Pedro Kawadler, president of the United States, identical twin brother of the Mayor
King of the cavemen
Moolah, A large bosomed cavewoman
a moon dog
1.Ext. night. Binocular vignette. A shot of the full Moon alone in the sky. A saucer shaped shadow passes in front of it accompanied by ethereal Theremin music.
Scientist guy (out of frame)
2. Ext. night, Fade in on long shot of the parking lot in front of a nudie bar. The lot is lit by streetlights.
3. Cut to frame door as two young men exit. They are college age, but clearly not in college. Working class. They have obviously had a few drinks and are laughing.
4.Cut to a low angle shot. We are looking over the top of a half crushed beer can from ground level as the two guys approach. One of the guys gets his toe under the can.
5. Cut to a two shot as one of the guys flips the can into the air and catches it. He says to his companion….
The other guy grins and starts running across the lot.
6. Cut to close up of the second guy’s face as he turns to receive the pass. He is grinning, but his expression changes to one of startlement as his face suddenly drops out of frame.
Guy # 2 (from off frame)
7. Cut to shot from above showing him lying on his back having tripped and fallen. He looks embarrassed having fallen on his ass and then yelps as the can falls on his head from out of frame.
7a. Insert Close up on his face as he rubs his head and looks up first in annoyance and then his eyes go wide.
8. Cut to a shot of a flying saucer up in the sky. This is not your everyday flying saucer. It looks like it is built from bones and branches with animal hides stretched over them. Smoke and sparks puff out of an open hole in upper surface as if there is a wood fire burning inside of it (there is!). This can be a simple model held up by a piece of string. Don’t work too hard to hide the string. Who are we trying to kid after all.
9. Cut to a shot that frames the whole parking lot. The saucer slowly comes down and lands on legs that are made of huge lengths of dinosaur bones. The two guys are dwarfed by the magnitude of the primitive spacecraft.
10. Cut to a close shot of the side of the flying saucer. Instead of a door, there is a tent flap which is suddenly pulled aside by a large hairy hand.
11. Cut shot of door full frame. A muscular caveman holding a club is standing in the doorway. He wears a spotted animal skin wrapped around his waist. He has ragged long hair and a full beard. He has two short antennae growing out of his head.
12. Cut to a shot of the two guys both with their mouths hanging open.
Guy # 1
Sweet Jesus! It’s a caveman!
13. Cut back to the caveman standing in the doorway. The caveman hears him and notices the two guys for the first time. He points his club at them and a ray of crackling blue energy flies from it.
14. Cut to a shot of two smoking piles of ash in the parking lot. They have shadows of the two guys burned into the pavement behind them.
CAVEMEN FROM THE MOON!
16. Cut to a wider shot that shows Scientist Guy (wearing a white lab coat) sweeping up the ashes. The space ship is gone. Next to him on the pavement is a laptop computer that has a black box plugged into it. He has set up some posts around the area with yellow tape supported by them. The tape has the words “Scientist at work: Do not cross” printed on it.
17. Cut to close up of Scientist guy’s hands as he sifts a tiny amount of the ash from the dust pan into a test tube half full of a green liquid. The liquid immediately starts foaming.
18. Cut to close up of the black box where we see Scientist guy’s hands inserting the now corked test tube into a receptacle on the top and then punching a few keys on the laptop. We hear a voice from out of frame.
19. Cut to a shot of a young boy around ten years old. He is Larry. He speaks again.
Are you really a scientist?
20. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
Why, yes I am. And who might you be, young man?
21. Reverse on Larry.
I’m Larry! I don’t have to go to school today because they are giving my dad a medal!
22. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
Wow! He must be very proud!
23. Reverse on Larry. He looks more subdued.
My mom is getting it for him. He’s in Heaven. He was killed in the war.
24. Two shot of Scientist Guy and Larry. Scientist Guy nods his head sadly and thoughtfully.
You should be very proud of him, Larry.
25. An attractive woman comes up and puts a hand on Larry’s shoulder. She is Larry’s Mom. She turns Larry around to face her.
Larry, are you bothering this man?
She looks over at Scientist Guy.
I’m so sorry, he just wandered away!
26. Close up on Larry.
Aw mom! He’s a scientist!
27. Reverse on Larry’s Mom. She has an expression of deep respect.
You mustn’t bother him, Larry! He has important work to do.
28. Three shot of Scientist Guy, Larry’s Mom and Larry.
I assure you that he hasn’t been the slightest bit of trouble!
Just the same, Larry, you had better get back to the car.
Larry runs off frame.
I’m sorry to hear about your husband. That’s a tough break for you and for little Larry.
Peter was a hero. He saved the lives of fifty men. Larry knows that. He’s a tough little soldier, tougher than me sometimes.
She notices the test tube in the black box.
What does that do?
29. Cut to a close up of the black box. A green LED flashes on the side of it.
30. Cut to a close up of Scientist Guy.
This chemically analyses ashes.
He takes a look at the screen of the laptop.
For instance, I know this victim was male…..let me see… He had been consuming alcohol…five beers…hadn’t had sex in one, no, two months…his favorite color was, um…blue…his name was Jeffrey Connor…his mother is diabetic…
31. Cut to close up of Larry’s mom.
32. Cut to Scientist Guy.
Just science. Wonderful science. I’ll have his address before too much longer.
33. Cut to two shot of Scientist Guy and Larry’s Mom.
So, What exactly happened here?
Something almost totally vaporized these boys. The police are stumped. They looked me up because the case called for lots of science.
34. Larry’s Mom. Larry’s Mom looks at her watch. And then looks up at Scientist Guy.
Oh my! I have to be on my way. I’m sorry that Larry took up so much of your time.
35. Larry’s Mom full figure as she turns to walk away.
36. Cut to Larry’s Mom’s bottom full frame swishing back and forth as she walks off.
37. Cut to close up of scientist Guy’s eyes riveted.
38. Cut to ¾ shot of scientist guy. He calls out to Larry’s Mom.
39. Cut to two shot of Scientist Guy and Larry’s Mom. They are now about ten feet from each other. She stops and turns.
Um…You can bring young Larry around anytime. I mean, um…if he wants to learn about science.
Why thank you! That is so kind.
Scientist Guy (blushing slightly)
And maybe I could take you to dinner?
40. Cut to close up of Larry’s Mom who is smiling. She pauses for just a beat.
Yes, that would be very nice. Well, bye, bye.
41. Full figure again of Larry’s Mom as she turns to walk off.
42. Cut to close up of Scientist Guy’s face. He is clearly watching her as she walks off…hypnotized. There is a ping sound from off camera. Camera pulls back as he turns to look at the laptop screen.
Hmm…247 Campbell Avenue.
43. Cut to view of the laptop screen full frame with “247 Campbell Avenue” flashing on it. Dissolve to…
44. Int. day. An apartment somewhere in the city, probably at 247 Campbell Ave. The apartment has been trashed, the couch turned over, a bookshelf on its side. In the center of the floor is a small campfire made from a pile of burning books. Over the fire, Three Cavemen are roasting a French poodle on a rotating spit. One of them has a tattoo on his shoulder, a crudely drawn heart with an arrow through it with the words “Cave Mom” inscribed within it.
44a. Insert quick close up of tattoo then back to master shot.
A caption pops up.
An apartment somewhere in the city.
A second caption appears beneath the first one.
Probably at 247 Campbell Avenue.
The captions fade as 1st Caveman speaks.
Me not want this little furry thing! Me want dinosaur!
44b. Close up of 2nd Caveman.
Yes! Me want dinosaur too! When we get dinosaur?
Pan around to 3rd Caveman (the one with the tattoo) who speaks.
We all want dinosaur. Caveman king bring us here to get dinosaur! We will get dinosaur soon. You shut up now and eat furry thing!
Pull back to bring all cavemen into frame.
You shut up! You Cave mom can eat furry thing!
Without a second’s hesitation 3rd Caveman grabs a huge club and bashes in the head of 2nd Caveman who falls over dead. 1st Cave man looks over at 3rd Caveman in outrage.
You kill Ogg!
45. Med. Close up on 1st Caveman. He takes on a deep, thoughtful expression while pondering the philosophical implications of 3rd Caveman’s response to his accusation. Slowly he nods his head.
Yes…me see your point.
He grins, revealing incredibly dirty teeth and gives the thumbs up. Pull back to get both in frame as they laugh and point at their dead companion while slapping one another on the back..
46. Cut to The Mayor’s office, full set. The Mayor is sitting at his desk. He is on the phone and smoking a big cigar. A name plate on his desk reads “Esteban Kawadler, Mayor”
Now listen up, If your detectives can’t make any headway on this case, I’ll get someone who can. I’ve got a crack scientist and I’ll put him in charge of the whole show if you guys keep coming up dry! This is an election year, and I don’t need any bad press. (pause) Well you just see that you do. Chief’s of police are a dime a dozen, get me?
He slams the phone down and calls out.
A flunky hurries into the room, he is Jarrett Huddlestom, aid to the mayor .
Yes, Your Honor?
Get my brother on the phone!
47. Half figure on Huddlestom.
Your Honor, The White House chief of staff has requested that you stop calling about every little thing.
This is a little thing? Two young men were cremated in a parking lot and my ass-clowns of a police force can’t even get to square one with the investigation! Who the hell knows what this may be about?
You do understand that there is a war on, Mister Mayor?
Oh yes, Pedro and his precious war that everyone thinks is so damned important! Mom is just soooo proud of him! He is the president and I’m only a mayor….BAH! Get him on the phone!
On the word “Bah!” he rises from his chair and Huddlestom scampers from the room.
48.Cut to a shot of the door. As Huddlestom is rushing through, he nearly bowls over Scientist Guy as he is coming in. Scientist Guy speaks.
Um, is this a bad time, Your Honor?
49.Cut to the Mayor seated at his desk.
Not at all, maybe if it was some other asshole, but you I like.
He gestures to a humidor sitting on his desk.
Have a cigar?
50. Reverse on Scientist Guy. He waves his hand in rejection.
No thanks. Were the police able to make use of the information I gathered?
51. Reverse on the Mayor.
Ah, don’t get me started! You won’t believe the cock and bull they handed me. The Chief says he sent a couple of his boys to that Connor guy’s address and they said that his room mates were just big angry and stupid and threatened to, get this, vaporize them if they didn’t get out. The officers, those schmucks, they just left! They said they were playing some game pretending to be cave men! I’ve never heard such malarkey!
52. Reverse on Scientist guy. He looks somewhat alarmed.
This may sound like a strange question, Mister Mayor, but did they have antennae?
53. Reverse on the Mayor. He is quite surprised.
How in the name of God’s holy jockstrap did you guess that? They told the Chief that very thing before he sent them home for drinking on the job! Damned if you aren’t one good science guy!
54. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
55. Reverse on the Mayor.
56. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
Nevermind. (pause) Anyway, I think that those officers were quite observant. This is something I have feared for a long time. This will sound strange to someone who isn’t a scientist, but rest assured, I am deadly serious.
57. Reverse on The Mayor. He chews on his cigar impatiently.
Get to the point, already.
58. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
Cavemen, Your Honor. Cavemen from the Moon. It’s the only reasonable explanation.
59. Cut to two shot of Scientist Guy and The Mayor.
Cavemen? Are you kidding me?
If only that were the case, Mister Mayor
Ya’know, pal, Mrs. Kawadler didn’t raise any dummies….
60.Cut to full room as Huddlestom re enters the room. He speaks.
Your Honor, I have the White House on the line.
The Mayor looks up in mild disgust.
Well maybe one dummy.
He looks over at Scientist Guy.
I’m going to have to take this. You stick with it and let me know if the Chief gives you any problems. I’m dying for an excuse to fix his little red wagon.
Scientist Guy exits.
61. Cut to a shot of the mayor at his desk as he picks up the phone.
Pedro!…huh? (pause) who? (pause) So who the fuck are you? (pause) Oh yeah, I’ve seen you on television. You’re that Nancy-boy from Princeton. What’s the matter, my brother couldn’t afford a Harvard man?(pause) Stop crying ferchristsake! (pause) I don’t give a rosy red rat’s ass, put my brother on the line! (pause) O.k., here we go…”The War.” You guys and your stupid-ass war. It’s not even in this country! You idiots are fighting one group of people we hate to protect another group of people we also hate! (sarcastically) I think he can take a break from that no doubt worthwhile activity for five minutes! (pause) Jesus Hairy Christ! Are you going to put the president on the line or not? (longer pause as growing disgust shows on The Mayor’s face) Alright! So that’s how it’s going to be. Lemme tell ya’ somethin’, Princeton, you come to my town and I’ll kick your fancy-pants candy-ass straight into next Tuesday! Know what, Sparky? Ya’ better know where the shit comes out before ya’ pull the chain!
He slams the phone down.
62. Cut to: Ext. Day. The upper level of a parking structure somewhere in the city. The caveman space ship comes to a landing in the middle of it.
63. Cut to: Int. Day. Inside of the caveman saucer. It is a bizarre contrivance. Everything in it is made of hide, rocks and rough-hewn pieces of wood. There is an open wood campfire burning in the center of the floor. A thin and exhausted looking green dog with antennae is standing on a treadmill off to the side. Attached to it is a control panel with bones for levers that is labeled “Hypur-Drive”. A caveman pilot is at that panel and steps away just as the scene opens. There is another Caveman in the saucer. He is wearing a crown and is sitting on a throne made from a pile of rocks. He is the Caveman King. Beside him stands a Moolah, a very tall large bosomed cavewoman In a fur bikini. The caveman pilot speaks.
We on Earth now, Caveman King.
It good! Now we find dinosaur! Need Earth expert to help.
Me can get!
64. Cut to single shot of Caveman King.
You can get? You just girl! How you get?
65. Cut to single shot of Moolah.
Moolah (thrusting out chest)
Me get, you see. Me see him at first landing place.
66. Cut to, Int. Eve. A house in the city where Larry and Larry’s mom live. Larry’s Mom is fixing her makeup in a hall mirror when Larry runs into the shot.
Are you going out with that scientist guy, mom?
67. Cut to single of Larry.
Are you two going to get married? Is he going to be my new dad? Are you two going to have another kid so I can have a little brother? Will you love him more than me? Can you afford to send both of us to college? Maybe he’ll be retarded! I don’t want a retarded brother!
68. Cut to single of Larry’s Mom.
It’s only dinner, Larry. Now I want you to behave for the sitter.
The doorbell rings
That will be her now.
69. Cut to the door as Larry’s Mom enters the shot and opens it. Moolah is standing there.
Me baby sitter.
Larry enters shot.
Wow! She has big chests!
Don’t be rude, Larry.
Larry (to Moolah)
I thought my mom had big chests, but your chests are way bigger than hers! My Uncle Ronny has some magazines with pictures of ladies with great big chests like yours. He said they’re fun! Uncle Ronny would like your chests a lot!
70.Cut to single of Moolah who grins at Larry and gives the thumbs up while thrusting her bosom out.
71.Cut to three shot of all. Larry’s Mom looks slightly uncomfortable with the idea of a giantess in a fur bikini as a baby sitter. Nonetheless…
Please come in, miss….?
Moolah enters and closes the door behind her
72. Cut to close up of Moolah with a calculating smile on her face.
73. Cut to int. eve. A closet . Larry and Larry’s mom are tied up back to back with every conceivable thing strung together. Clothesline, lamp chords, belts, bicycle chain, duct tape, etc. A caption is at the bottom of the screen…
Thirty seconds later.
Larry is speaking.
Hey, Mom, why did the lady with the big chests put us in the closet? Are we playing a game? Won’t the scientist guy be here soon? Why is she named Moolah? Moolah is a pretty funny name, isn’t it? If you and the scientist have a girl baby instead of a boy baby, you ought to name her Moolah because it’s real unique and I have never met another girl called Moolah. Do you think your little girl called Moolah will be retarded? I don’t want a retarded little sister!
74. Cut to the front hallway. The doorbell rings and Moolah goes to open it.
75. Cut to ext. eve. Outside the front door. Scientist guy is standing on the porch wearing a suit with a bowtie. He is holding a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy. The door swings open.
76. Cut to tight frame of Scientist Guy’s face looking at a huge pair of fur bikini clad breasts.
77. Cut to med close of Moolah as she leans toward the camera with arms outstretched and an evil grin and the scene goes dark.
78. Wipe to int. night, Caveman flying saucer. The Caveman King is still sitting on his throne of rocks. He is watching “television” which is actually two other cavemen making hand shadows in a television shaped box with a fire behind it.
79. Cut to close up of “television” screen. The shadows are acting out a play. The exact visuals can perhaps be made with shadow puppets rather than directly with the hands if it’s less complicated to do it that way. The Caveman King is laughing uproariously at the action on the screen.
Shadow Caveman #1
Me kill dinosaur!
Shadow Caveman #2
You give me dinosaur!
Shadow Caveman #1
It me dinosaur! You no have!
Shadow caveman #2
You am cave-bastard! Me bash you head!
Shadow caveman #1
Me bash you head! Me bash you head!
The two shadow cavemen start clubbing one another
80. Cut to the door. Moolah is dragging a bound and gagged Scientist guy through the door.
Me get Science man!
81. Cut to three shot of Caveman King on throne with Moolah and bound Scientist Guy before him. Caveman King reaches out and rips duct tape off of Scientist guy’s mouth.
You am science man?
Moolah shakes Scientist Guy,
Caveman King ask you question!
You am science man?
Scientist Guy nods slowly.
Yes. I’m a scientist.
You tell where dinosaur is!
82. Cut to close up of Scientist Guy. His eyebrows jump up in surprise.
83.Cut to med shot on Scientist Guy.
Dinosaur? Why, the dinosaurs are…(he stops himself , taking on a calculating look) Um,….there aren’t any dinosaurs around here, they…um…they’re all in France. Yeah! Dinosaurs only live in France. Why do you want a dinosaur, anyway?
84. Cut to Caveman King.
It am sad story. Long time ago, many dinosaur live on Moon. Caveman became might hunter. As there be more of caveman, caveman kill more of dinosaur. Caveman kill all of dinosaur! Caveman have nothing to eat but vegetable. Caveman hate vegetable!
85.Cut to med close up of Moolah who is moved to tears by Caveman King’s narrative.
86.Cut to a montage of dinosaur images from movies and TV including shots from King Kong, Jurassic Park, Barney, Godzilla and many other cheesy b-movies.
Caveman King (voiceover)
We pick up teevee from Earth and see you have many dinosaur so Caveman King get big idea! We go Earth and hunt Earth dinosaur!
87. Cut to med close up of Scientist guy who’s mouth is hanging open in disbelief.
88. Cut to med close up of Caveman King. He points at Scientist Guy.
You show me where is France!
He picks up a club and points it at the floor in front of Scientist Guy. Crackling energy jumps from the club and leaves a smoking hole in the floor. Scientist Guy jumps back.
That be you if you no show where is France!
89. Cut to med shot of Scientist Guy.
Um..I’ll um….I’ll need a map! Do you have a map?
90. Cut to Two shot of Caveman King and Moolah. Both are shaking heads and/or shrugging shoulders. Speaking over one another.
Moolah Caveman King
What is map? We not have map!
You have map? I not have map!
91. Cut to Scientist Guy. He is shrugging his shoulders.
Hey, I’d like to help you. I’ve got a map, but if you want it, you’ll have to let me go get it.
92. Cut to single of Caveman King. He strokes his beard in thought for a moment and then says…
I let you go get map, but if you no come back, I send MIGHTY MINGOR to bring you back!
93. Cut to ext. night. Scientist Guy walking down the street. There is a voiceover indicating his thoughts.
Scientist Guy voiceover
Man, that Caveman King is pretty gullible! I can’t believe he fell for that load of crap. And what was up with that “Mighty Mingor” stuff? Probably just another caveman. Sheesh, they are pretty dumb.
94. Cut to ext. night. Scientist guy on the front porch of the house. He enters.
95. Cut to int. night. Scientist guy comes in. We can hear a voice coming from a closet. It is Larry’s voice.
….and there’s a retarded kid at school. We can get him to eat anything for a nickel! Johnny Watson got him to eat a paper cup and David Clark got him to eat a dog poo! It was gross and it gave him real bad breath! But then he….
Scientist Guy dashes over and flings the closet door open. Larry seems none the worse for the experience, but Larry’s mom is glassy eyed from listening to Larry talk for the last God-knows-how-many hours.
It’s the Scientist Guy!
Larry’s Mom (tiredly)
Oh thank God!
Are you all right?
96. Cut to med shot as Scientist Guy pulls them out of the closet. They both nod as he unties them.
I really need a drink!
I need to use your phone!
Larry’s mom points to the phone as her hands get loose.
97. Close up of Scientist Guy’s hand picking up the phone.
98. Cut to int. night. The Mayor’s bedroom. The phone is ringing. The Mayor wakes up, his wife remains utterly motionless and is seen only as a shape in the bed beside him with a mass of hair-curlers. Her part can be played by a dummy. He reaches around for the phone and finally picks it up and puts it to his ear.
(mumbles) What the hell time is it? (pause) Three-thirty! This better be good! (pause) Captured! Are you o.k.? (pause) Yeah, I’ll be at my office in a half hour.
99. Cut to int. dawn. Full set shot of Mayor’s office. The Mayor is at his desk. Scientist Guy, Larry’s Mom and Larry are in the office.
So let me make sure I understand this, You were kidnapped by a cavewoman, from the Moon, with enormous bosoms.
100. Close up on Scientist Guy.
101. Reverse on Mayor.
And you got away on the pretext of going to fetch a map so the cavemen could find France.
102. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
103. Reverse on Mayor.
Because they believe that that is where the dinosaurs live.
104. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
105. Reverse on Mayor
Just how big were these bosoms?
106. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
Is that really relevant?
107. Close up on Larry.
108. Cut to full room, There is a noise from outside, like an agitated crowd.
What in the name of all that is good, pure and holy is that?
He gets up and goes to the window
109.Close up on the Mayor’s face
110. Cut to stock footage copped from some monster movie of hundreds of people fleeing through city streets in fear.
111. Back to master shot. The others rush over to the window. Larry’s Mom screams in terror. Scientist Guy gathers her into his arms.
112.Close up of The Mayor.
Sweet Screaming Jesus on a rubber crutch! What is that thing? That creature must be hundreds of feet tall!
113.Cut to a shot of a studio. There are lights and cables in the background. In the foreground is Special Effects Assistant. He is wearing a heavy metal t-shirt and a backwards baseball cap. There is a flashing caption on the screen that reads “Insert FX for shot #113 here”
Director (off screen)
O.k., Ted. Get into it a little. You might as well have a little fun.
Special Effects assistant (blandly)
I am a big scary monster. All you people better run away!
114.Cut to more stock footage of fleeing crowds. Perhaps they should be Japanese.
115.Cut to a close up of Larry’s Mom.
My God! It’s Terrifying! What is it?
116. Cut to The Mayor on his knees praying.
Oh “Bob”, Praise “Bob”, “Bob”, give me SLACK!
117.Cut to close up of Scientist Guy.
Incredible! It’s like a giant Frankenstein made from parts of other giant Frankensteins! I’ve never seen anything this amazing! So that’s Mighty Mingor!
118. Back to the Special Effects Assistant in the studio. He now has a sandwich in his hand and is talking with his mouth partially full. There is a flashing caption on screen that reads “Insert FX for shot #118 here”
Director (off camera)
Come on, Ted, lets just get the time right. We’ll put in the CGI to replace the shot later.
Special Effects Assistant (blandly)
Run for your lives, for I am mighty Mingor. Ya better run or I’ll get ya. Arrrrgggghhhh.
119. Cut to close up of Larry’s Mom shrieking uncontrollably. She looks as if she has gone completely insane with fear. Eye bugging, drool, tears, etc. This shot cannot be overacted. Go for it!
120. Cut to close up of The Mayor.
Odin’s Trousers, that thing is big! It’s heading this way!
121.Cut to more scenes of fleeing crowds.
122. Cut back to shot of Special Effects Assistant. He has finished the sandwich but is now holding a beer. Flashing caption reads, “Insert FX for shot #122 here.” The special effects assistant is finally starting to show a bit of the spirit of the thing, waving his arms and growling.
Special Effects Assistant
Arrrgggghhhh! RRaaarrrrrrr! Graaaaaaawwww!
Director (off camera)
That’s it, Ted! When Gary gets done with the CGI this is gonna look fantastic!
The Special Effects Assistant pauses.
Special Effects Assistant
Gary is supposed to be doing the CGI?
Special Effects Assistant
‘fraid not. Gary went to Texas to hook up with a chick he met at
Awwww…what the fuck?
123.Cut to full set. Scientist Guy is pointing out the window. Insert sound FX of military ordinance.
Look! Fighter jets! They’re shooting at Mighty Mingor!
They’re driving it off!
Larry (Raising his hands in the air)
124. Cut back to shot of Special Effects Assistant. His back is now to the camera. His arms are waving about. Caption is flashing, “Insert FX for shot #124 here.”
Special Effects Assistant
Aiiieeee. The fighter planes are driving me away. Ouch, ouch. Stop shooting at me. Mighty Mingor is defeated.
Director (off camera)
125. Cut back to full set of the Mayor’s office. Everyone looks relieved. Larry’s Mom is sitting in a chair fanning herself. A large stain on her dress reveals that she has wet herself with fear. The Mayor is pouring Scientist Guy and himself a double scotch and Larry is alternately jumping up and down or running in circles in hyperactive ADD mode. Suddenly, the phone rings. The Mayor picks it up.
126. Transition to split-screen close up of The Mayor and the President. The President is an identical twin of the Mayor but with a different colored tie.
Mister Mayor, This is the president.
Pedro, you piece of shit! I’ve been trying to get through to you for a couple of days now!
Esteban, can’t you just once call me “Mister President?” Would that be so hard? You really need to moderate your rhetoric. Sparky, my Chief of Staff was sobbing for hours after your last conversation with him. He says he’s going to quit! Really, did you have to be so mean?
That candy-ass. Look, Pedro, we have a situation here. Cavemen from the Moon! Can you believe this stuff?!?
So I have been informed. The air force got rid of the monster, right? I’m on the case, don’t worry.
Your guys chased him out of town, Not off the face of the Earth! This isn’t over by a long shot, dumbass!
Now, you see? That’s exactly the kind of thing I mean. Remember when you called me a “shit eating monkey fucker?” In front of the King of Swaziland? He thinks that’s my official title now! It’s just not cool, Esteban!
Hehe. I was just reminding you which one is the older brother!
You’re only older by twelve minutes!
And I always will be!
Esteban, we could, as we have many times in the past, go on for hours like this and in the end you would still have a monster roaming around and a city infested with alien cavemen.
Oh, and you’re just going to step in and fix everything when it suites you?
Well, Esteban, I don’t think I’m in the minority if I see an alien invasion as a national emergency.
The Mayor gives an inarticulate expletive and slams the phone down. Before the President’s side of the split screen wipes out we hear him say:
Get the secretary of defense on the line.
127. Cut to. Int. day. Larry’s house. Larry’s Mom is putting him to bed. He is lying in bed and Larry’s Mom is stroking his forehead soothingly.
But I don’t wanna take a nap, mom!
You’ve been up all night and you need to get some sleep, honey. Just close your eyes.
Hey Mom, are those cavemen really from the Moon?
Yes they are, honey.
128.Cut to close up of Larry.
I wonder what it’s like on the Moon? Can I go to the Moon? I wanna go to the Moon, Mom!
129.Back to master shot
Maybe someday, sweetheart. Now try to get some sleep.
130. Close up on Larry. His head is back on the pillow and he is mumbling as he drifts off to sleep
I wanna go to the Moon. I will go to the Moon.
131.Disolve to a scene of a park. (perhaps it could be shot in the Boston Public Garden). Larry is skipping along happily.
The Moon is beautiful!
132.Cut to a green clown with antennae as Larry skips into the frame. The clown hands Larry a balloon. Larry says:
Thank you Mister Moon Clown!
And he skips off out of the frame.
133. Cut to stock footage stolen from Nude on the Moon Showing several nude Moon girls with antennae.
134. Cut to close up of Larry
Wow! Big chests!
A hand comes from out of frame to rest on Larry’s shoulder and the camera pulls back to show a guy crouching next to Larry with his arm around his shoulders and smiling.
That’s right, Larry. Wherever there are girls with big chests, that’s where you’ll find me!
Gosh! Even on the Moon?
Even on the Moon!
135. Disolve to Larry asleep in his bed with a big smile on his face.
136. Cut to Int. day. An apartment somewhere in the city, probably at 247 Campbell Ave. Two cavemen (1st Caveman and 3rd Caveman ) roasting several goldfish and a couple of mice on a rotating spit over a fire of burning books. The corpse of the 2nd Caveman is still lying on the floor.
Can we even eat these things?
We find out soon.
Furry thing sucked. Me want dinosaur!
It be long time since we hear from Caveman King. He promise dinosaur!
He like all politicians. “Dinosaur just around corner!” Ha!
You no believe Caveman King? You think there no dinosaur?
137. Cut to close up of 3rd Caveman. He is pondering what he has heard. He is stroking his beard in deep thought.
138. Cut back to master shot. 3rd Caveman pulls out a club and bashes 1st Caveman on the head killing him instantly. His body falls across body of 2nd Caveman.
139. Close up on 3rd Caveman. He is stroking his beard thoughtfully.
3rd Caveman (quietly to himself)
140. Cut to ext. day. A city street during a normal business day. Regular people are going about their business. 3rd Caveman walks into the frame. He is carrying his club and wearing his skins but also he has an Indian war bonnet on his head. His antennae stick awkwardly out of the sides bobbing to and fro conspicuously.
140a. Insert close up. On his tattoo that reads “CaveMom”, the word “cave” is x’d out with a marker and the word “Indian” is crudely scrawled above it. His disguise is perfect. He is rushing along with a purpose to his step.
Return to master shot. Suddenly a cop taps him on the shoulder and grabs his arm.
Cop (with bad Irish accent)
And where might ye be going in such a hurry there, Johnny?
Me look for President.
141.Close up of Cop raising his eyebrow suspiciously.
The President now, is it? He’s an important man, what would ye be wantin’ with him now? Say now, ye wouldn’t be one of those Cavemen from the Moon that the Mayor’s been warnin’ us about, would ye?
142. Return to master shot.
No! Me not caveman! Me Indian! You make ethnic slur! President want tax casino. Me go there appeal to liberal guilt!
Now, calm down there, me Bucko, no offense meant. An Indian! Well, why didn’t ye say so! Along with ye then!
3rd Caveman hurries off frame.
Cop (to himself)
Ah, the noble savage!
143. Cut to. Int. day. The Oval Office. It looks exactly like the Mayor’s office except that the nameplate on the desk reads “Pedro Kawadler, President” and there is a presidential seal affixed to the front of the desk. The President is seated at the desk. For some reason Jarrett Huddlestom is in the room. He is wearing a headset. He is speaking to the President.
Thank you again, Mister President for this opportunity. I simply couldn’t work for that man anymore. Even though he’s your brother, you two are as different as night and day!
Yes, Esteban is a very troubled person and takes it out on everyone. Well, Jarrett, you came highly recommended and because of him, my former chief of staff, Sparky Nelson, quit so the position was open.
Why did he quit?
It was because of my brother constantly defaming Princeton every time he calls. He was becoming an emotional wreck. He really loves his alma mater, you know. I think he has a job teaching preschool now. At least you know how to deal with Esteban when he calls.
Suddenly, Huddlestom puts his hand to the earpiece of his headset.
Mister President, Reception says that there is an Indian here to see you.
An Indian! Gosh, I love our Native American brothers! Have him shown in.
Huddlestom (touching earpiece once again)
Send him right in.
144.Cut to office door as 3rd Caveman enters still wearing his disguise.
145. Cut to the President raising his right hand in greeting.
146. Cut to 3rd Caveman looking confused. He takes a start as if he suddenly remembers that he is disguised as an Indian. It’s a totally Three Stooges move.
3rd Caveman (raising hand)
147.Cut to The President
To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, my red brother?
148.Reverse on 3rd Caveman
Me look for dinosaur!
149. Reverse on The President with Huddlestom standing by his side.
Oh! So you are a paleontologist! Wonderful!
150. Reverse on 3rd Caveman. He looks very confused.
Paleeo….huh? Me want eat!
151. Reverse on President and Huddlestom. Now it’s their turn to look confused.
But that’s silly! You can’t eat bones!
Good Heavens! Fossils aren’t food.
152.Reverse on 3rd Caveman.
What you mean?
153.Reverse on the President.
They’re all extinct.
154.Close up on Huddlestom.
He means that they’re all dead and they have been for a long, long time.
155.Close up on 3rd Caveman. His face is a mask of anger, teeth gritted, tears forming at the corners of his eyes.
156.Reverse on the President
157.Full figure of 3rd Caveman. He whips off the war bonnet and throws it on the floor.
158.Cut to President and Huddlestom as they both gasp in shock.
159.Cut back to 3rd Caveman.
Me lie! Me not Indian, me caveman from Moon! Caveman King lie to me, to all caveman, say dinosaur on Earth. NO DINOSAUR ON EARTH!!! Me hate Caveman King!
3rd Caveman starts swinging his club around the Oval Office breaking stuff at random.
160.Cut to full set. The President and Huddlestom are aghast.
Please! Try to calm down! We can help you!
161.Cut to 3rd Caveman. He suddenly lets the arm swinging the club go limp and the club slip from his fingers. He gets a canny expression on his face.
No. (pause) Me help you! Me help you!
162. Cut to a series of still photographs of damage from various disasters. Earthquakes, Hurricane Katrina, Hiroshima, etc. Mix and match as you please.
163.Cut to a shot of Scientist Guy and Larry’s Mom looking out of a window in her house.
Wow! That monster really did some damage!
It’s horrible! How shall we ever recover! Oh! Those awful cavemen!
Mom! The TV doesn’t work!
The monster broke the tower, sweetheart.
Larry exits. Scientist Guy and Larry’s Mom look deep into one another’s eyes.
As long as we’re together, the world will always look beautiful.
Are you sure you’re a scientist and not a poet?
164. Med close on Larry’s Mom. The phone rings. Larry’s mom goes to answer.
Larry’s Mom (answering phone)
Hello? (To Scientist Guy) It’s for you.
She hands him the phone.
165.Cut to Scientist guy. He takes the phone
Hello?...Who?....Mister President! This is such an honor! Wow! The President is calling me! (Taking phone away from his ear and talking to Larry’s Mom) It’s the President! On the phone! For me! (He puts the phone back to his ear) Huh?...Yes, I’ll try to calm down….yes…yes…Really? Wow, that’s really something! That might just work! O.k., Mister President, I’ll coordinate with the Mayor’s office.
166. Cut back to full set. He hangs up the phone.
Scientist Guy (starstruck)
Wow, The President!
What did he say?
Scientist Guy snaps out of it.
He has a guy on the inside. One of the Cavemen came over to our side! He says he knows how to stop them!
167.Cut to int. Day. Caveman flying saucer. The Caveman King is playing “cards” with Moolah. The cards are made of stone and are obviously heavy and awkward to shuffle, deal and hold. They are betting by throwing little piles of bones and feathers into a pile in the center of the table. There are a number of caveman sitting around watching. 3rd Caveman enters and all look up in surprise.
Caveman King, Moolah and various cavemen
It Nabb!...Look Nabb am back!...I not even know Nabb gone!...Hello Nabb!..Hi Nabb!
Welcome Nabb. Where am Ogg and Nugg?
We discuss politics.
The Caveman King nods his head sagely with full understanding of the inevitable outcome of any caveman political discussion.
Me see. So you am right and they was wrong.
Yes, me am right.
Caveman king shakes his head sadly.
Poor Ogg, poor Nugg!
Various of the gathered cavepersons mutter similar sentiments.
168. Cut to med close up of 3rd Caveman.
Me come with important news!
169.Reverse on Caveman King.
What am news!
170.Cut to full set. 3rd Caveman turns and points to another caveman.
I hear Gugg say Kronnk eat Moon Monkey poop! Gugg say he eat lot of Moon Monkey poop!
171.Cut to closeup of singled out caveman (presumably Kronnk) with expression of outrage.
172. Cut to two shot of that caveman and the caveman sitting next to him. Without a second’s notice he clubs the other caveman (presumably Gugg) to death. Another caveman jumps up and exclaims:
You kill Gugg!
He picks up a club and Kills the other caveman. Instantly the room explodes into a pandemonium of mutual head bashing until 3rdCaveman and the Caveman King kill one another with simultaneous blows. Only Moolah is left standing. All is quiet for a few seconds.
173.Cut to full figure shot of Moolah hands on hips with a look of utter disgust on her face.
Cavemen! They am so stupid!
Suddenly Scientist Guy, Larry’s Mom, Larry and the Mayor burst in.
I’ll be dipped in dogshit! It worked!
All the cavemen are dead!
Except for the one with the big chests! Yay!
174.Cut to ext. day. The top of the parking garage where the space ship is parked. There is a pile of dead cavemen off to the side and during this shot Moolah will walk through periodically dragging another body and throw it on the pile. Scientist Guy, Larry’s Mom and the Mayor are conversing.
My God! Is this finally over at long last?
We can only hope, Darling, but we must be ever vigilant for who knows what mysteries the vast cosmos may have in store for humanity in the future?
He’s on a roll. Grandiose music starts to swell in the background.
175. Cut to close up of Scientist Guy with American flag waving behind him.
We have faced the Cavemen from the Moon and prevailed, but, perhaps, The Draculas from Venus or the Frankensteins from Mars still await. There may even be a million super Godzillas from Jupiter and they too we shall defeat! Many are the challenges that defy the human spirit, but we shall carry on, for we are humans! Humans are stronger, smarter and better than anyone!
176.Cut to The Mayor and Larry’s Mom both drying tears.
That was goddamn beautiful! We’re going to inscribe that on the statue we erect of you in the town square.
177. Cut to a shot of the door of the space ship. Larry and Moolah are standing in the doorway. Larry is wearing the Caveman King’s crown.
Mom, I’m going to the Moon where all the ladies have big chests!
He am new Caveman King! Me be queen!
178.Cut to top of parking structure as Scientist Guy, Larry’s Mom and the Mayor are sprayed with dust and wind from the Saucer’s lift off. There is a tremendous roar of rocket engines. They all wave goodbye half-heartedly.
179. Cut to Larry’s Mom, Scientist Guy and the Mayor from the rear as they walk off into the sunset. Scientist guy nudges the mayor.
I talked to the President on the phone!
The Mayor (sarcastically)
Golly, that’s really fucking special.
180.Disolve to a shot of a radio sitting on a table.
The giant monster know as Mighty Mingor was seen today to be swimming toward Japan. We can only hope that the Japanese people will be ready to deal with him.
181.Cut to studio with Special Effects assistant. He is stomping around waving his arms. A caption is flashing on the screen “Insert FX for shot #181 here”
Special Effects Assistant
Arrrrrrrggggghhhhh! I am Mighty Mingor! Flee in terror before me!
Director (off camera, tiredly)
That’s great, Ted. Let’s wrap it up.
Roll credits over an up-tempo pop song that has nothing to do with the film. I would recommend Leader of the Pack by the Shangrilas or possibly Mr, Bassman by Johnny Cymbal.
182.As the last credit rolls by, cut to a captured shot from Jurassic Park showing a valley filled with many varieties of dinosaurs. A caption appears on the screen.
Meanwhile, in France