Cavemen from the Moon
A cheap screenplay
By
Seth Kallen Deitch
Dramatis personae
Scientist guy
A couple of guys
Ogg, a caveman
Nugg, a caveman
Nabb, a caveman
Noog, a caveman
Esteban Kawadler, The Mayor
Jarrett Huddlestom, The Mayor’s aid
An Irish police officer
Special effects assistant A.K.A. MIGHTY MINGOR, a
giant monster
Director
A Moon clown
Uncle Ronny
Pedro Kawadler,
president of the United States, identical twin brother of the Mayor
King of the cavemen
Moolah, A large bosomed cavewoman
Larry
Larry’s mom
a moon dog
1.Ext. night.
Binocular vignette. A shot of the full Moon alone in the sky. A saucer shaped
shadow passes in front of it accompanied by ethereal Theremin music.
Scientist guy (out of frame)
Uh, oh!
2. Ext. night, Fade in on long shot of the parking lot in
front of a nudie bar. The lot is lit by streetlights.
3. Cut to frame door
as two young men exit. They are college age, but clearly not in college.
Working class. They have obviously had a few drinks and are laughing.
4.Cut to a low angle shot.
We are looking over the top of a half crushed beer can from ground level as the
two guys approach. One of the guys gets his toe under the can.
5. Cut to a two shot
as one of the guys flips the can into the air and catches it. He says to his
companion….
Guy #1
Go Long!
The other guy grins and
starts running across the lot.
6. Cut to close up of
the second guy’s face as he turns to receive the pass. He is grinning, but his
expression changes to one of startlement as his face suddenly drops out of
frame.
Guy # 2 (from off frame)
Ah crap!
7. Cut to shot from above
showing him lying on his back having tripped and fallen. He looks embarrassed
having fallen on his ass and then yelps as the can falls on his head from out
of frame.
7a. Insert
Close up on his face as he rubs his head and looks up first in annoyance
and then his eyes go wide.
Guy #2
Holy shit!
8. Cut to a shot of a
flying saucer up in the sky. This is not your everyday flying saucer. It
looks like it is built from bones and branches with animal hides stretched over
them. Smoke and sparks puff out of an open hole in upper surface as if there is
a wood fire burning inside of it (there is!). This can be a simple model held
up by a piece of string. Don’t work too hard to hide the string. Who are we
trying to kid after all.
9. Cut to a shot that
frames the whole parking lot. The
saucer slowly comes down and lands on legs that are made of huge lengths of
dinosaur bones. The two guys are dwarfed by the magnitude of the primitive
spacecraft.
10. Cut to a close shot of
the side of the flying saucer. Instead of a door, there is a tent flap
which is suddenly pulled aside by a large hairy hand.
11. Cut shot of door full
frame. A muscular caveman holding a club is standing in the doorway. He
wears a spotted animal skin wrapped around his waist. He has ragged long hair
and a full beard. He has two short antennae growing out of his head.
12. Cut to a shot of the
two guys both with their mouths hanging open.
Guy # 1
Sweet Jesus! It’s a caveman!
13. Cut back to the
caveman standing in the doorway. The caveman hears him and notices the two
guys for the first time. He points his club at them and a ray of crackling blue
energy flies from it.
14. Cut to a shot of two
smoking piles of ash in the parking lot. They have shadows of the two guys
burned into the pavement behind them.
Title slide
CAVEMEN FROM THE MOON!
16. Cut to a wider shot
that shows Scientist Guy (wearing a white lab coat) sweeping up the ashes.
The space ship is gone. Next to him on the pavement is a laptop computer that
has a black box plugged into it. He has set up some posts around the area with
yellow tape supported by them. The tape has the words “Scientist at work: Do
not cross” printed on it.
17. Cut to close up of
Scientist guy’s hands as he sifts a tiny amount of the ash from the dust pan
into a test tube half full of a green liquid. The liquid immediately starts
foaming.
18. Cut to close up of the
black box where we see Scientist guy’s hands inserting the now corked test tube
into a receptacle on the top and then punching a few keys on the laptop. We
hear a voice from out of frame.
Hey Mister!
19. Cut to a shot of a
young boy around ten years old. He is Larry. He speaks again.
Are you really a scientist?
20. Reverse on Scientist
Guy.
Why, yes I am. And who might you be, young man?
21. Reverse on Larry.
I’m Larry! I don’t have to go to school today because
they are giving my dad a medal!
22. Reverse on Scientist
Guy.
Wow! He must be very proud!
23. Reverse on Larry.
He looks more subdued.
My mom is getting it for him. He’s in Heaven. He was
killed in the war.
24. Two shot of Scientist
Guy and Larry. Scientist Guy nods his head sadly and thoughtfully.
You should be very proud of him, Larry.
25. An attractive woman
comes up and puts a hand on Larry’s shoulder. She is Larry’s Mom. She turns Larry around to
face her.
Larry, are you
bothering this man?
She looks over at
Scientist Guy.
I’m so sorry, he just wandered away!
26. Close up on Larry.
Aw mom! He’s a
scientist!
27. Reverse on Larry’s Mom.
She has an expression of deep respect.
You mustn’t bother him, Larry! He has important work
to do.
28. Three shot of
Scientist Guy, Larry’s Mom and Larry.
I assure you that he hasn’t been the slightest bit of
trouble!
Just the same,
Larry, you had better get back to the car.
Larry runs off frame.
I’m sorry to hear about your husband. That’s a tough break for you and for little Larry.
Peter was a hero. He saved the lives of fifty men.
Larry knows that. He’s a tough little soldier, tougher than me sometimes.
She notices the test tube
in the black box.
What does that do?
29.
Cut to a close up of the black box. A green LED flashes on the side of it.
30.
Cut to a close up of Scientist Guy.
This chemically analyses ashes.
He takes a look at the
screen of the laptop.
For instance, I know this victim was male…..let me see… He had been consuming alcohol…five beers…hadn’t had sex in one, no, two months…his favorite color was, um…blue…his name was Jeffrey Connor…his mother is diabetic…
31. Cut to close up of
Larry’s mom.
That’s amazing!
32. Cut to Scientist Guy.
Just science. Wonderful science. I’ll have his address before too much longer.
33. Cut to two shot of
Scientist Guy and Larry’s Mom.
So, What exactly happened here?
Something almost totally vaporized these boys. The police are stumped. They looked me up because the case called for lots of science.
34. Larry’s Mom. Larry’s Mom looks at her watch. And then looks up at Scientist Guy.
Larry’s Mom
Oh my! I have to be on my way. I’m sorry that Larry took up so much of your time.
35. Larry’s Mom full figure as she turns to walk away.
36. Cut to Larry’s Mom’s bottom full frame swishing back and forth as she walks off.
37. Cut to close up of scientist Guy’s eyes riveted.
38. Cut to ¾ shot of scientist guy. He calls out to Larry’s Mom.
Scientist Guy
Excuse me!
39. Cut to two shot of Scientist Guy and Larry’s Mom. They are now about ten feet from each other. She stops and turns.
Scientist Guy
Um…You can bring young Larry around anytime. I mean, um…if he wants to learn about science.
Larry’s Mom
Why thank you! That is so kind.
Scientist Guy (blushing slightly)
And maybe I could take you to dinner?
40. Cut to close up of Larry’s Mom who is smiling. She pauses for just a beat.
Larry’s Mom
Yes, that would be very nice. Well, bye, bye.
41. Full figure again of Larry’s Mom as she turns to walk off.
42. Cut to close up of Scientist Guy’s face. He is clearly watching her as she walks off…hypnotized. There is a ping sound from off camera. Camera pulls back as he turns to look at the laptop screen.
Scientist Guy
Hmm…247 Campbell Avenue.
43. Cut to view of the laptop screen full frame with “247 Campbell Avenue” flashing on it. Dissolve to…
44. Int. day. An
apartment somewhere in the city, probably at 247 Campbell Ave. The
apartment has been trashed, the couch turned over, a bookshelf on its side. In
the center of the floor is a small campfire made from a pile of burning books.
Over the fire, Three Cavemen are roasting a French poodle on a rotating
spit. One of them has a tattoo on his shoulder, a crudely drawn heart with an
arrow through it with the words “Cave Mom” inscribed within it.
44a. Insert quick close up of tattoo
then back to master shot.
A caption pops up.
Caption
An apartment somewhere in the city.
A second caption
appears beneath the first one.
Caption
Probably at 247 Campbell Avenue.
The captions fade as
1st Caveman speaks.
1st Caveman
Me not want this little furry thing! Me want dinosaur!
44b. Close up of 2nd
Caveman.
2nd Caveman
Yes! Me want dinosaur too! When we get dinosaur?
Pan around to 3rd Caveman (the one with the tattoo) who speaks.
3rd Caveman
We all want dinosaur. Caveman king bring us here to get dinosaur! We will get dinosaur soon. You shut up now and eat furry thing!
Pull back to bring
all cavemen into frame.
2nd Caveman
You shut up! You Cave mom can eat furry thing!
Without a second’s
hesitation 3rd Caveman grabs a huge club and bashes in the head
of 2nd Caveman who falls over
dead. 1st Cave man looks over at 3rd Caveman in outrage.
1st Caveman
You kill Ogg!
3rd Caveman
So?
45. Med. Close up on
1st Caveman. He takes on a deep, thoughtful expression while
pondering the philosophical implications of 3rd Caveman’s response
to his accusation. Slowly he nods his head.
1st Caveman
Yes…me see your point.
He grins, revealing
incredibly dirty teeth and gives the thumbs up. Pull back to get both in frame
as they laugh and point at their dead companion while slapping one another on
the back..
46. Cut to The Mayor’s office, full set. The Mayor is sitting at his desk. He is on the phone and smoking a big cigar. A name plate on his desk reads “Esteban Kawadler, Mayor”
Mayor
Now listen up, If your detectives can’t make any headway on this case, I’ll get someone who can. I’ve got a crack scientist and I’ll put him in charge of the whole show if you guys keep coming up dry! This is an election year, and I don’t need any bad press. (pause) Well you just see that you do. Chief’s of police are a dime a dozen, get me?
He
slams the phone down and calls out.
Huddlestom!
A flunky hurries into the room, he is Jarrett
Huddlestom, aid to the mayor .
Huddlestom
Yes, Your Honor?
Mayor
Get
my brother on the phone!
47. Half figure on Huddlestom.
Huddlestom
Your
Honor, The White House chief of staff has requested that you stop calling about
every little thing.
Mayor
This
is a little thing? Two young men were cremated in a parking lot and my
ass-clowns of a police force can’t even get to square one with the
investigation! Who the hell knows what this may be about?
Huddlestom
You
do understand that there is a war on, Mister Mayor?
Mayor
(sneering)
Oh yes, Pedro and his precious war that
everyone thinks is so damned important! Mom is just soooo proud of him! He is
the president and I’m only a mayor….BAH! Get him on the phone!
On
the word “Bah!” he rises from his chair and Huddlestom scampers from the room.
48.Cut to a shot of the door. As Huddlestom is rushing through, he nearly bowls over Scientist Guy as he is coming in. Scientist Guy speaks.
Scientist Guy
Um, is this a bad time, Your Honor?
49.Cut to the Mayor seated at his desk.
The Mayor
Not at all, maybe if it was some other asshole, but you I like.
He
gestures to a humidor sitting on his desk.
Have a cigar?
50. Reverse
on Scientist Guy. He waves his hand in rejection.
Scientist Guy
No thanks. Were the police able to make use of the information I gathered?
51. Reverse
on the Mayor.
The Mayor
Ah, don’t get me started! You won’t believe the cock and bull they handed me. The Chief says he sent a couple of his boys to that Connor guy’s address and they said that his room mates were just big angry and stupid and threatened to, get this, vaporize them if they didn’t get out. The officers, those schmucks, they just left! They said they were playing some game pretending to be cave men! I’ve never heard such malarkey!
52. Reverse on Scientist guy. He looks somewhat alarmed.
Scientist Guy
This may sound like a strange question, Mister Mayor, but did they have antennae?
53. Reverse on the Mayor. He is quite surprised.
The Mayor
How in the name of God’s holy jockstrap did you guess that? They told the Chief that very thing before he sent them home for drinking on the job! Damned if you aren’t one good science guy!
54. Reverse
on Scientist Guy.
Scientist Guy
Scientist.
55. Reverse
on the Mayor.
The Mayor
Eh?
56. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
Scientist Guy
Nevermind. (pause) Anyway, I think that those officers were quite observant. This is something I have feared for a long time. This will sound strange to someone who isn’t a scientist, but rest assured, I am deadly serious.
57. Reverse on The Mayor. He chews on his cigar impatiently.
The Mayor
Get to the point, already.
58. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
Scientist Guy
Cavemen, Your Honor. Cavemen from the Moon. It’s the only reasonable explanation.
59. Cut
to two shot of Scientist Guy and The Mayor.
The Mayor
Cavemen? Are you kidding me?
Scientist Guy
If only that were the case, Mister Mayor
The Mayor
Ya’know, pal, Mrs. Kawadler didn’t raise any dummies….
60.Cut to full room as Huddlestom re enters the room. He speaks.
Huddlestom
Your Honor, I have the White House on the line.
The
Mayor looks up in mild disgust.
The Mayor
Well maybe one dummy.
He looks
over at Scientist Guy.
The Mayor
I’m going to have to take this. You stick with it and let me know if the Chief gives you any problems. I’m dying for an excuse to fix his little red wagon.
Scientist
Guy exits.
61. Cut
to a shot of the mayor at his desk as he picks up the phone.
The Mayor
Pedro!…huh? (pause) who? (pause) So who the fuck are you? (pause) Oh yeah, I’ve seen you on television. You’re that Nancy-boy from Princeton. What’s the matter, my brother couldn’t afford a Harvard man?(pause) Stop crying ferchristsake! (pause) I don’t give a rosy red rat’s ass, put my brother on the line! (pause) O.k., here we go…”The War.” You guys and your stupid-ass war. It’s not even in this country! You idiots are fighting one group of people we hate to protect another group of people we also hate! (sarcastically) I think he can take a break from that no doubt worthwhile activity for five minutes! (pause) Jesus Hairy Christ! Are you going to put the president on the line or not? (longer pause as growing disgust shows on The Mayor’s face) Alright! So that’s how it’s going to be. Lemme tell ya’ somethin’, Princeton, you come to my town and I’ll kick your fancy-pants candy-ass straight into next Tuesday! Know what, Sparky? Ya’ better know where the shit comes out before ya’ pull the chain!
He slams the phone down.
62. Cut to: Ext. Day. The upper level of a parking structure somewhere in the city. The caveman space ship comes to a landing in the middle of it.
63. Cut to: Int. Day. Inside of the caveman saucer. It is a bizarre contrivance. Everything in it is made of hide, rocks and rough-hewn pieces of wood. There is an open wood campfire burning in the center of the floor. A thin and exhausted looking green dog with antennae is standing on a treadmill off to the side. Attached to it is a control panel with bones for levers that is labeled “Hypur-Drive”. A caveman pilot is at that panel and steps away just as the scene opens. There is another Caveman in the saucer. He is wearing a crown and is sitting on a throne made from a pile of rocks. He is the Caveman King. Beside him stands a Moolah, a very tall large bosomed cavewoman In a fur bikini. The caveman pilot speaks.
Caveman Pilot
We on Earth now, Caveman King.
Caveman King
It good! Now we find dinosaur! Need Earth expert to help.
Moolah
Me can get!
64. Cut
to single shot of Caveman King.
Caveman King
You can get? You just girl! How you get?
65. Cut
to single shot of Moolah.
Moolah (thrusting out chest)
Me get, you see. Me see him at first landing place.
66. Cut
to, Int. Eve. A house in the city where Larry and Larry’s mom live. Larry’s Mom is fixing her makeup in a hall
mirror when Larry runs into the shot.
Larry
Are you going out with that scientist guy, mom?
Larry’s Mom
Yes honey.
67. Cut
to single of Larry.
Larry
Are you two going to get married? Is he going to be my new dad? Are you two going to have another kid so I can have a little brother? Will you love him more than me? Can you afford to send both of us to college? Maybe he’ll be retarded! I don’t want a retarded brother!
68. Cut
to single of Larry’s Mom.
Larry’s Mom
It’s only dinner, Larry. Now I want you to behave for the sitter.
The
doorbell rings
Larry’s Mom
That will be her now.
69. Cut to the door as Larry’s Mom enters the shot and opens it. Moolah is standing there.
Moolah
Me baby sitter.
Larry’s Mom
Oh my!
Larry
enters shot.
Larry
Wow! She has big chests!
Larry’s Mom
Don’t be rude, Larry.
Larry (to Moolah)
I thought my mom had big chests, but your chests are way bigger than hers! My Uncle Ronny has some magazines with pictures of ladies with great big chests like yours. He said they’re fun! Uncle Ronny would like your chests a lot!
Larry’s Mom
Larry, Please!
70.Cut
to single of Moolah who grins at Larry and gives the thumbs up while thrusting
her bosom out.
71.Cut to three shot of all. Larry’s Mom looks slightly uncomfortable with the idea of a giantess in a fur bikini as a baby sitter. Nonetheless…
Larry’s Mom
Please come in, miss….?
Moolah
Me Moolah!
Moolah
enters and closes the door behind her
72.
Cut to close up of Moolah with a calculating smile on her face.
73. Cut to int. eve. A closet . Larry and Larry’s mom are tied up back to back with every conceivable thing strung together. Clothesline, lamp chords, belts, bicycle chain, duct tape, etc. A caption is at the bottom of the screen…
Caption
Thirty seconds later.
Larry
is speaking.
Larry
Hey, Mom, why did the lady with the big chests put us in the closet? Are we playing a game? Won’t the scientist guy be here soon? Why is she named Moolah? Moolah is a pretty funny name, isn’t it? If you and the scientist have a girl baby instead of a boy baby, you ought to name her Moolah because it’s real unique and I have never met another girl called Moolah. Do you think your little girl called Moolah will be retarded? I don’t want a retarded little sister!
74. Cut to the front hallway. The doorbell rings and Moolah goes to open it.
75. Cut to ext. eve. Outside the front door. Scientist guy is standing on the porch wearing a suit with a bowtie. He is holding a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy. The door swings open.
76. Cut
to tight frame of Scientist Guy’s face looking at a huge pair of fur bikini
clad breasts.
Scientist Guy
Yikes!
77. Cut
to med close of Moolah as she leans toward the camera with arms outstretched
and an evil grin and the scene goes dark.
78. Wipe to int. night, Caveman flying saucer. The Caveman King is still sitting on his throne of rocks. He is watching “television” which is actually two other cavemen making hand shadows in a television shaped box with a fire behind it.
79. Cut to close up of “television” screen. The shadows are acting out a play. The exact visuals can perhaps be made with shadow puppets rather than directly with the hands if it’s less complicated to do it that way. The Caveman King is laughing uproariously at the action on the screen.
Shadow Caveman #1
Me kill dinosaur!
Shadow Caveman #2
You give me dinosaur!
Shadow Caveman #1
It me dinosaur! You no have!
Shadow caveman #2
You am cave-bastard! Me bash you head!
Shadow caveman #1
Me bash you head! Me bash you head!
The
two shadow cavemen start clubbing one another
80. Cut to the door. Moolah is dragging a bound and gagged Scientist guy through the door.
Moolah
Me get Science man!
81. Cut to three shot of Caveman King on throne with Moolah and bound Scientist Guy before him. Caveman King reaches out and rips duct tape off of Scientist guy’s mouth.
Caveman King
You am science man?
Scientist Guy
Huh?
Moolah
shakes Scientist Guy,
Moolah
Caveman King ask you question!
Caveman King
You am science man?
Scientist
Guy nods slowly.
Scientist Guy
Yes. I’m a scientist.
Caveman King
You tell where dinosaur is!
82. Cut to close up of Scientist Guy. His eyebrows jump up in surprise.
83.Cut to med shot on Scientist Guy.
Scientist Guy
Dinosaur? Why, the dinosaurs are…(he stops himself , taking on a calculating look) Um,….there aren’t any dinosaurs around here, they…um…they’re all in France. Yeah! Dinosaurs only live in France. Why do you want a dinosaur, anyway?
84. Cut
to Caveman King.
Caveman King
It am sad story. Long time ago, many dinosaur live on Moon. Caveman became might hunter. As there be more of caveman, caveman kill more of dinosaur. Caveman kill all of dinosaur! Caveman have nothing to eat but vegetable. Caveman hate vegetable!
85.Cut to med close up of Moolah who is moved to tears by Caveman King’s narrative.
86.Cut
to a montage of dinosaur images from movies and TV including shots from King
Kong, Jurassic Park, Barney, Godzilla and many other cheesy b-movies.
Caveman King (voiceover)
We pick up teevee from Earth and see you have many dinosaur so Caveman King get big idea! We go Earth and hunt Earth dinosaur!
87. Cut
to med close up of Scientist guy who’s mouth is hanging open in disbelief.
88. Cut
to med close up of Caveman King. He points at Scientist Guy.
Caveman King
You show me where is France!
He
picks up a club and points it at the floor in front of Scientist Guy. Crackling
energy jumps from the club and leaves a smoking hole in the floor. Scientist
Guy jumps back.
Caveman King
That be you if you no show where is France!
89. Cut
to med shot of Scientist Guy.
Scientist Guy
Um..I’ll um….I’ll need a map! Do you have a map?
90. Cut to Two shot of Caveman King and Moolah. Both are shaking heads and/or shrugging shoulders. Speaking over one another.
Moolah Caveman King
What is map? We not have map!
You have map? I not have map!
91.
Cut to Scientist Guy. He is shrugging his shoulders.
Scientist Guy
Hey, I’d like to help you. I’ve got a map, but if you want it, you’ll have to let me go get it.
92.
Cut to single of Caveman King. He strokes his beard in thought for a moment and
then says…
Caveman King
I let you go get map, but if you no come back, I send MIGHTY MINGOR to bring you back!
93. Cut
to ext. night. Scientist Guy walking down the street. There
is a voiceover indicating his thoughts.
Scientist Guy voiceover
Man, that Caveman King is pretty gullible! I can’t believe he fell for that load of crap. And what was up with that “Mighty Mingor” stuff? Probably just another caveman. Sheesh, they are pretty dumb.
94. Cut
to ext. night. Scientist guy on the front porch of the house. He enters.
95. Cut to int. night. Scientist guy comes in. We can hear a voice coming from a closet. It is Larry’s voice.
Larry (muffled)
….and there’s a retarded kid at school. We can get him to eat anything for a nickel! Johnny Watson got him to eat a paper cup and David Clark got him to eat a dog poo! It was gross and it gave him real bad breath! But then he….
Scientist
Guy dashes over and flings the closet door open. Larry seems none the worse for
the experience, but Larry’s mom is glassy eyed from listening to Larry talk for
the last God-knows-how-many hours.
Larry (excitedly)
It’s the Scientist Guy!
Larry’s Mom (tiredly)
Oh thank God!
Scientist Guy
Are you all right?
96.
Cut to med shot as Scientist Guy pulls them out of the closet. They both nod as
he unties them.
Larry’s Mom
I really need a drink!
Scientist Guy
I need to use your phone!
Larry’s
mom points to the phone as her hands get loose.
97.
Close up of Scientist Guy’s hand picking up the phone.
98. Cut
to int. night. The Mayor’s bedroom. The phone is ringing. The Mayor wakes up,
his wife remains utterly motionless and is seen only as a shape in the bed
beside him with a mass of hair-curlers. Her part can be played by a dummy. He
reaches around for the phone and finally picks it up and puts it to his ear.
The Mayor
(mumbles) What the hell time is it? (pause) Three-thirty! This better be good! (pause) Captured! Are you o.k.? (pause) Yeah, I’ll be at my office in a half hour.
99. Cut
to int. dawn. Full set shot of Mayor’s office. The Mayor is at his desk.
Scientist Guy, Larry’s Mom and Larry are in the office.
The Mayor
So let me make sure I understand this, You were kidnapped by a cavewoman, from the Moon, with enormous bosoms.
100.
Close up on Scientist Guy.
Scientist Guy
Yes
101. Reverse
on Mayor.
The Mayor
And you got away on the pretext of going to fetch a map so the cavemen could find France.
102. Reverse
on Scientist Guy.
Scientist Guy
That’s correct.
103.
Reverse on Mayor.
The Mayor
Because they believe that that is where the dinosaurs live.
104. Reverse
on Scientist Guy.
Scientist Guy
That’s right.
105. Reverse
on Mayor
The Mayor
Just how big were these bosoms?
106. Reverse on Scientist Guy.
Scientist Guy
Is that really relevant?
107.
Close up on Larry.
Larry
Real big!
108. Cut
to full room, There is a noise from outside, like an agitated crowd.
The Mayor
What in the name of all that is good, pure and holy is that?
He
gets up and goes to the window
109.Close
up on the Mayor’s face
The Mayor
Cogida santa!
110. Cut
to stock footage copped from some monster movie of hundreds of people fleeing
through city streets in fear.
111.
Back to master shot. The others rush over to the window. Larry’s Mom screams in
terror. Scientist Guy gathers her into his arms.
112.Close
up of The Mayor.
The Mayor
Sweet Screaming Jesus on a rubber crutch! What is that thing? That creature must be hundreds of feet tall!
113.Cut to a shot of a studio. There are lights and cables in the background. In the foreground is Special Effects Assistant. He is wearing a heavy metal t-shirt and a backwards baseball cap. There is a flashing caption on the screen that reads “Insert FX for shot #113 here”
Director (off screen)
O.k., Ted. Get into it a little. You might as well have a little fun.
Special Effects assistant
(blandly)
I am a big scary monster. All you people better run away!
114.Cut
to more stock footage of fleeing crowds. Perhaps they should be Japanese.
115.Cut
to a close up of Larry’s Mom.
Larry’s Mom
My God! It’s Terrifying! What is it?
116. Cut
to The Mayor on his knees praying.
The Mayor
Oh “Bob”, Praise “Bob”, “Bob”, give me SLACK!
117.Cut
to close up of Scientist Guy.
Scientist Guy
Incredible! It’s like a giant Frankenstein made from parts of other giant Frankensteins! I’ve never seen anything this amazing! So that’s Mighty Mingor!
118. Back to the Special Effects Assistant in the studio. He now has a sandwich in his hand and is talking with his mouth partially full. There is a flashing caption on screen that reads “Insert FX for shot #118 here”
Director (off camera)
Come on, Ted, lets just get the time right. We’ll put in the CGI to replace the shot later.
Special Effects Assistant
(blandly)
Run for your lives, for I am mighty Mingor. Ya better run or I’ll get ya. Arrrrgggghhhh.
119. Cut
to close up of Larry’s Mom shrieking uncontrollably. She looks as if she has
gone completely insane with fear. Eye bugging, drool, tears, etc. This shot cannot
be overacted. Go for it!
120. Cut
to close up of The Mayor.
The Mayor
Odin’s Trousers, that thing is big! It’s heading this way!
121.Cut
to more scenes of fleeing crowds.
122.
Cut back to shot of Special Effects Assistant. He has finished the sandwich but
is now holding a beer. Flashing caption reads, “Insert FX for shot #122
here.” The special effects assistant is finally starting to show a bit of
the spirit of the thing, waving his arms and growling.
Special Effects Assistant
Arrrgggghhhh! RRaaarrrrrrr! Graaaaaaawwww!
Director (off camera)
That’s it, Ted! When Gary gets done with the CGI this is gonna look fantastic!
The
Special Effects Assistant pauses.
Special Effects Assistant
Gary is supposed to be doing the CGI?
Director
Yeah.
Special Effects Assistant
‘fraid not. Gary went to Texas to hook up with a chick he met at
Burning Man.
Director
Awwww…what the fuck?
123.Cut
to full set. Scientist Guy is pointing out the window. Insert sound FX of
military ordinance.
Scientist Guy
Look! Fighter jets! They’re shooting at Mighty Mingor!
Larry’s Mom
They’re driving it off!
Larry (Raising his hands in
the air)
Yaaay!
124. Cut back to shot of Special Effects Assistant. His back is now to the camera. His arms are waving about. Caption is flashing, “Insert FX for shot #124 here.”
Special Effects Assistant
Aiiieeee. The fighter planes are driving me away. Ouch, ouch. Stop shooting at me. Mighty Mingor is defeated.
Director (off camera)
Yeah, yeah….whatever.
125. Cut
back to full set of the Mayor’s office. Everyone looks relieved. Larry’s Mom is
sitting in a chair fanning herself. A large stain on her dress reveals that she
has wet herself with fear. The Mayor is pouring Scientist Guy and himself a
double scotch and Larry is alternately jumping up and down or running in
circles in hyperactive ADD mode. Suddenly, the phone rings. The Mayor picks it
up.
126. Transition
to split-screen close up of The Mayor and the President. The President is an
identical twin of the Mayor but with a different colored tie.
The Mayor
Hello?
The President
Mister Mayor, This is the president.
The Mayor
Pedro, you piece of shit! I’ve been trying to get through to you for a couple of days now!
The President
Esteban, can’t you just once call me “Mister President?” Would that be so hard? You really need to moderate your rhetoric. Sparky, my Chief of Staff was sobbing for hours after your last conversation with him. He says he’s going to quit! Really, did you have to be so mean?
The Mayor
That candy-ass. Look, Pedro, we have a situation here. Cavemen from the Moon! Can you believe this stuff?!?
The President
So I have been informed. The air force got rid of the monster, right? I’m on the case, don’t worry.
The Mayor
Your guys chased him out of town, Not off the face of the Earth! This isn’t over by a long shot, dumbass!
The President
Now, you see? That’s exactly the kind of thing I mean. Remember when you called me a “shit eating monkey fucker?” In front of the King of Swaziland? He thinks that’s my official title now! It’s just not cool, Esteban!
The Mayor
Hehe. I was just reminding you which one is the older brother!
The President
You’re only older by twelve minutes!
The Mayor
And I always will be!
The President
Esteban, we could, as we have many times in the past, go on for hours like this and in the end you would still have a monster roaming around and a city infested with alien cavemen.
The Mayor
Oh, and you’re just going to step in and fix everything when it suites you?
The President
Well, Esteban, I don’t think I’m in the minority if I see an alien invasion as a national emergency.
The
Mayor gives an inarticulate expletive and slams the phone down. Before the
President’s side of the split screen wipes out we hear him say:
The President
Get the secretary of defense on the line.
127. Cut
to. Int. day. Larry’s house. Larry’s Mom is putting him to bed. He is lying in
bed and Larry’s Mom is stroking his forehead soothingly.
Larry
But I don’t wanna take a nap, mom!
Larry’s Mom
You’ve been up all night and you need to get some sleep, honey. Just close your eyes.
Larry
Hey Mom, are those cavemen really from the Moon?
Larry’ Mom
Yes they are, honey.
128.Cut
to close up of Larry.
Larry
I wonder what it’s like on the Moon? Can I go to the Moon? I wanna go to the Moon, Mom!
129.Back
to master shot
Larry’s Mom
Maybe someday, sweetheart. Now try to get some sleep.
130. Close
up on Larry. His head is back on the pillow and he is mumbling as he drifts off
to sleep
Larry
I wanna go to the Moon. I will go to the Moon.
131.Disolve
to a scene of a park. (perhaps it could be shot in the Boston Public Garden).
Larry is skipping along happily.
Larry
The Moon is beautiful!
132.Cut
to a green clown with antennae as Larry skips into the frame. The clown hands
Larry a balloon. Larry says:
Larry
Thank you Mister Moon Clown!
And
he skips off out of the frame.
133. Cut
to stock footage stolen from Nude on the Moon Showing several nude Moon
girls with antennae.
134. Cut
to close up of Larry
Larry
Wow! Big chests!
A
hand comes from out of frame to rest on Larry’s shoulder and the camera pulls
back to show a guy crouching next to Larry with his arm around his shoulders
and smiling.
Larry
Uncle Ronny!
Uncle Ronny
That’s right, Larry. Wherever there are girls with big chests, that’s where you’ll find me!
Larry
Gosh! Even on the Moon?
Uncle Ronny
Even on the Moon!
135.
Disolve to Larry asleep in his bed with a big smile on his face.
136.
Cut to Int. day. An apartment somewhere in the city, probably at 247 Campbell
Ave. Two cavemen (1st Caveman
and 3rd Caveman ) roasting several goldfish and a couple of mice on
a rotating spit over a fire of burning books. The corpse of the 2nd
Caveman is still lying on the floor.
1st Caveman
Can we even eat these things?
3rd Caveman
We find out soon.
1st Caveman
Furry thing sucked. Me want dinosaur!
3rd Caveman
It be long time since we hear from Caveman King. He promise dinosaur!
1st Caveman
He like all politicians. “Dinosaur just around corner!” Ha!
3rd Caveman
You no believe Caveman King? You think there no dinosaur?
1st Caveman
Me skeptical.
137. Cut
to close up of 3rd Caveman. He is pondering what he has heard. He is
stroking his beard in deep thought.
138. Cut
back to master shot. 3rd Caveman pulls out a club and bashes
1st Caveman on the head killing him instantly. His body falls across
body of 2nd Caveman.
139. Close
up on 3rd Caveman. He is stroking his beard thoughtfully.
3rd Caveman
(quietly to himself)
Hmmmm….me wonder….
140. Cut
to ext. day. A city street during a normal business day. Regular people are
going about their business. 3rd Caveman walks into the frame. He is
carrying his club and wearing his skins but also he has an Indian war bonnet on
his head. His antennae stick awkwardly out of the sides bobbing to and fro
conspicuously.
140a. Insert close up. On his
tattoo that reads “CaveMom”, the word “cave” is x’d out with a marker and the
word “Indian” is crudely scrawled above it.
His disguise is perfect. He is rushing along with a purpose to his step.
Return
to master shot. Suddenly a cop taps him on the shoulder and grabs his arm.
Cop (with bad Irish accent)
And where might ye be going in such a hurry there, Johnny?
3rd Caveman
Me look for President.
141.Close
up of Cop raising his eyebrow suspiciously.
Cop
The President now, is it? He’s an important man, what would ye be wantin’ with him now? Say now, ye wouldn’t be one of those Cavemen from the Moon that the Mayor’s been warnin’ us about, would ye?
142.
Return to master shot.
3rd Caveman
No! Me not caveman! Me Indian! You make ethnic slur! President want tax casino. Me go there appeal to liberal guilt!
Cop
Now, calm down there, me Bucko, no offense meant. An Indian! Well, why didn’t ye say so! Along with ye then!
3rd
Caveman hurries off frame.
Cop (to himself)
Ah, the noble savage!
143. Cut
to. Int. day. The Oval Office. It looks exactly like the Mayor’s office except that the nameplate on the desk
reads “Pedro Kawadler, President” and there is a presidential seal affixed to
the front of the desk. The President is
seated at the desk. For some reason Jarrett Huddlestom is in the room. He is
wearing a headset. He is speaking to the President.
Huddlestom
Thank you again, Mister President for this opportunity. I simply couldn’t work for that man anymore. Even though he’s your brother, you two are as different as night and day!
The President
Yes, Esteban is a very troubled person and takes it out on everyone. Well, Jarrett, you came highly recommended and because of him, my former chief of staff, Sparky Nelson, quit so the position was open.
Huddlestom
Why did he quit?
The President
It was because of my brother constantly defaming Princeton every time he calls. He was becoming an emotional wreck. He really loves his alma mater, you know. I think he has a job teaching preschool now. At least you know how to deal with Esteban when he calls.
Suddenly,
Huddlestom puts his hand to the earpiece of his headset.
Huddlestom
Mister President, Reception says that there is an Indian here to see you.
The President
An Indian! Gosh, I love our Native American brothers! Have him shown in.
Huddlestom (touching earpiece
once again)
Send him right in.
144.Cut
to office door as 3rd Caveman enters still wearing his disguise.
145. Cut
to the President raising his right hand in greeting.
The President
How Kola!
146.
Cut to 3rd Caveman looking confused. He takes a start as if he
suddenly remembers that he is disguised as an Indian. It’s a totally Three
Stooges move.
3rd Caveman
(raising hand)
How!
147.Cut
to The President
The President
To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, my red brother?
148.Reverse
on 3rd Caveman
3rd Caveman
Me look for dinosaur!
149. Reverse
on The President with Huddlestom standing by his side.
The President
Oh! So you are a paleontologist! Wonderful!
150. Reverse
on 3rd Caveman. He looks very confused.
3rd Caveman
Paleeo….huh? Me want eat!
151. Reverse
on President and Huddlestom. Now it’s their turn to look confused.
Huddlestom
But that’s silly! You can’t eat bones!
The President
Good Heavens! Fossils aren’t food.
152.Reverse
on 3rd Caveman.
3rd Caveman
What you mean?
153.Reverse
on the President.
The President
They’re all extinct.
154.Close
up on Huddlestom.
Huddlestom
He means that they’re all dead and they have been for a long, long time.
155.Close
up on 3rd Caveman. His face is a mask of anger, teeth gritted, tears
forming at the corners of his eyes.
3rd Caveman
He LIE!
156.Reverse
on the President
The President
Eh?
Huddlestom
Eh?
157.Full
figure of 3rd Caveman. He whips off the war bonnet and throws it on
the floor.
158.Cut
to President and Huddlestom as they both gasp in shock.
159.Cut
back to 3rd Caveman.
3rd Caveman
Me lie! Me not Indian, me caveman from Moon! Caveman King lie to me, to all caveman, say dinosaur on Earth. NO DINOSAUR ON EARTH!!! Me hate Caveman King!
3rd
Caveman starts swinging his club around the Oval Office breaking stuff at
random.
160.Cut
to full set. The President and Huddlestom are aghast.
The President
Please! Try to calm down! We can help you!
161.Cut
to 3rd Caveman. He suddenly lets the arm swinging the club go limp
and the club slip from his fingers. He gets a canny expression on his face.
3rd Caveman
No. (pause) Me help you! Me help you!
162.
Cut to a series of still photographs of damage from various disasters.
Earthquakes, Hurricane Katrina, Hiroshima, etc. Mix and match as you please.
163.Cut
to a shot of Scientist Guy and Larry’s Mom looking out of a window in her
house.
Scientist Guy
Wow! That monster really did some damage!
Larry’s Mom
It’s horrible! How shall we ever recover! Oh! Those awful cavemen!
Larry
enters
Larry
Mom! The TV doesn’t work!
Larry’s Mom
The monster broke the tower, sweetheart.
Larry
Aw, Heck!
Larry’s Mom
Larry! Language.
Larry
Aw, Mom!
Larry
exits. Scientist Guy and Larry’s Mom look deep into one another’s eyes.
Scientist Guy
As long as we’re together, the world will always look beautiful.
Larry’s Mom
Are you sure you’re a scientist and not a poet?
164. Med
close on Larry’s Mom. The phone rings. Larry’s mom goes to answer.
Larry’s Mom (answering phone)
Hello? (To Scientist Guy) It’s for you.
She
hands him the phone.
165.Cut
to Scientist guy. He takes the phone
Scientist Guy
Hello?...Who?....Mister President! This is such an honor! Wow! The President is calling me! (Taking phone away from his ear and talking to Larry’s Mom) It’s the President! On the phone! For me! (He puts the phone back to his ear) Huh?...Yes, I’ll try to calm down….yes…yes…Really? Wow, that’s really something! That might just work! O.k., Mister President, I’ll coordinate with the Mayor’s office.
166. Cut
back to full set. He hangs up the phone.
Scientist Guy (starstruck)
Wow, The President!
Larry’s Mom
What did he say?
Scientist
Guy snaps out of it.
Scientist Guy
He has a guy on the inside. One of the Cavemen came over to our side! He says he knows how to stop them!
167.Cut
to int. Day. Caveman flying saucer. The Caveman King is playing “cards” with
Moolah. The cards are made of stone and are obviously heavy and awkward to
shuffle, deal and hold. They are betting by throwing little piles of bones and
feathers into a pile in the center of the table. There are a number of caveman
sitting around watching. 3rd Caveman enters and all look up in
surprise.
Caveman King, Moolah and
various cavemen
It Nabb!...Look Nabb am back!...I not even know Nabb gone!...Hello Nabb!..Hi Nabb!
Caveman King
Welcome Nabb. Where am Ogg and Nugg?
3rd Caveman
We discuss politics.
The
Caveman King nods his head sagely with full understanding of the inevitable
outcome of any caveman political discussion.
Caveman King
Me see. So you am right and they was wrong.
3rd Caveman
Yes, me am right.
Caveman
king shakes his head sadly.
Caveman King
Poor Ogg, poor Nugg!
Various
of the gathered cavepersons mutter similar sentiments.
168. Cut
to med close up of 3rd Caveman.
3rd Caveman
Me come with important news!
169.Reverse
on Caveman King.
Caveman King
What am news!
170.Cut
to full set. 3rd Caveman turns and points to another caveman.
3rd Caveman
I hear Gugg say Kronnk eat Moon Monkey poop! Gugg say he eat lot of Moon Monkey poop!
171.Cut
to closeup of singled out caveman (presumably Kronnk) with expression of
outrage.
172.
Cut to two shot of that caveman and the caveman sitting next to him. Without a
second’s notice he clubs the other caveman (presumably Gugg) to death. Another
caveman jumps up and exclaims:
Other Caveman
You kill Gugg!
He
picks up a club and Kills the other caveman. Instantly the room explodes into a
pandemonium of mutual head bashing until
3rdCaveman and the Caveman King kill one another with
simultaneous blows. Only Moolah is left standing. All is quiet for a few
seconds.
173.Cut
to full figure shot of Moolah hands on hips with a look of utter disgust on her
face.
Moolah
Cavemen! They am so stupid!
Suddenly
Scientist Guy, Larry’s Mom, Larry and the Mayor burst in.
The Mayor
I’ll be dipped in dogshit! It worked!
Larry’s Mom
All the cavemen are dead!
Larry
Except for the one with the big chests! Yay!
174.Cut
to ext. day. The top of the parking garage where the space ship is parked.
There is a pile of dead cavemen off to the side and during this shot Moolah
will walk through periodically dragging another body and throw it on the pile.
Scientist Guy, Larry’s Mom and the Mayor are conversing.
Larry’s Mom
My God! Is this finally over at long last?
Scientist Guy
We can only hope, Darling, but we must be ever vigilant for who knows what mysteries the vast cosmos may have in store for humanity in the future?
He’s
on a roll. Grandiose music starts to swell in the background.
175. Cut
to close up of Scientist Guy with American flag waving behind him.
Scientist Guy
We have faced the Cavemen from the Moon and prevailed, but, perhaps, The Draculas from Venus or the Frankensteins from Mars still await. There may even be a million super Godzillas from Jupiter and they too we shall defeat! Many are the challenges that defy the human spirit, but we shall carry on, for we are humans! Humans are stronger, smarter and better than anyone!
176.Cut
to The Mayor and Larry’s Mom both drying tears.
The Mayor
That was goddamn beautiful! We’re going to inscribe that on the statue we erect of you in the town square.
Larry’s Mom
My Hero!
177. Cut
to a shot of the door of the space ship. Larry and Moolah are standing in the
doorway. Larry is wearing the Caveman King’s crown.
Larry
Mom, I’m going to the Moon where all the ladies have big chests!
Moolah
He am new Caveman King! Me be queen!
178.Cut
to top of parking structure as Scientist Guy, Larry’s Mom and the Mayor are
sprayed with dust and wind from the Saucer’s lift off. There is a tremendous
roar of rocket engines. They all wave goodbye half-heartedly.
179. Cut
to Larry’s Mom, Scientist Guy and the Mayor from the rear as they walk off into
the sunset. Scientist guy nudges the mayor.
Scientist Guy
I talked to the President on the phone!
The Mayor (sarcastically)
Golly, that’s really fucking special.
180.Disolve
to a shot of a radio sitting on a table.
Radio
The giant monster know as Mighty Mingor was seen today to be swimming toward Japan. We can only hope that the Japanese people will be ready to deal with him.
181.Cut to studio with Special Effects assistant. He is stomping around waving his arms. A caption is flashing on the screen “Insert FX for shot #181 here”
Special Effects Assistant
Arrrrrrrggggghhhhh! I am Mighty Mingor! Flee in terror before me!
Director (off camera,
tiredly)
That’s great, Ted. Let’s wrap it up.
Roll credits over an up-tempo
pop song that has nothing to do with the film. I would recommend Leader of
the Pack by the Shangrilas or possibly Mr, Bassman by Johnny Cymbal.
182.As
the last credit rolls by, cut to a captured shot from Jurassic Park showing a
valley filled with many varieties of dinosaurs. A caption appears on the
screen.
Caption
Meanwhile, in France
Fade
out.